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| Helping Aging Parents |
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Family relationships and open communication among family members are crucial elements in how families successfully cope with the demands of caregiving. Because of Western culture's reliance on individual independence, to need help from another can be seen as failure--for some, a loss of dignity to be avoided at all cost. This makes the offer of care to anyone--but especially to an aging parent--difficult and creates a situation fraught with opportunities to misstep. Embedded in the myth of independence is the belief that parents caring for children is the proper order of things and the reverse, children caring for parents, is in conflict with the natural order.
In reality, humans are all interdependent and accept help from each other in myriad ways throughout life. But the reality of actually providing or accepting the help requires the ability to perform an intricate dance around the issues of power, dignity, fear, pride, self reliance, dependence, and control.
Experts in the aging field suggest that it's best to start a dialogue with parents about important life issues early--before a sudden event or crisis unfolds. Take the necessary time to find out if they would want your help should the time come when help might be needed. Here is a sampling of questions for your consideration.
After checking to see if they would like your help, ask: -
How they feel about their independence? What is their plan for living the rest of their lives? What is most important to them at this stage of life? Do they have goals and dreams yet unfulfilled? What would they like to see happen if their plan, goals, and dreams were interrrupted or delayed by an illness?
If that first conversation goes well, plan another or a series of conversations where you could ask them such things as:- What choices they would make if they can no longer stay in their own home? What they feel about the current state of their health? Do they have living wills or other health care directives in place? Who would they trust to make decisions on their behalf? What can you or other family members do to help them create/realize their legacy? And, how would they like their lives celebrated after their passing?
As you learn more about your parents, strive to understand their life experience. Understanding their generational values may help explain a parent's behavior and reaction to an adult child's request to be involved in their care. Those of the Silent Generation (born between 1925 and 1945), for example, are seen as traditional, disciplined, self-reliant, respectful of authority, and willing to sacrifice. Their pride in their self reliance may make it difficult to ask for help. This life experience may contrast sharply with that of an adult child of the Baby Boon generation, as Baby Boomers tend to be better educated, consumer savvy, and more open to self expression.
The links below offer information to help families navigate the caregiver relationship between an aging parent and adult children.
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